by George Bilgere
Jane, the old woman across the street,
is lugging big black trash bags to the curb.
It's snowing hard, and the bags are turning white,
gradually disappearing in the storm.
Jane is getting ready to put her house on the market
and move into a home of some sort. A facility.
She's just too old to keep the place going anymore,
and as we chat about this on the sidewalk
I'm thinking, I'm so glad this isn't going to happen to me.
It seems like a terrible fate, to drag out your trash bags
and then head for a facility somewhere.
And all the worse to be old in a facility. But then,
that's the whole reason you go there in the first place.
But the great thing about being me, I'm thinking,
as I continue my morning walk around the block,
is that I'm not going to a facility of any sort.
That's for other people. I intend to go on
pretty much as I always have, enjoying life,
taking my morning walk, then coffee
and the newspaper, music and a good book.
Europe vaguely in the summers.
Then another year just like this one, on and on,
Why change this? I have no intention of doing so.
What Jane is doing—growing old,
taking out her ominous black trash bags
to vanish terribly in the snow, getting ready
for someone to drive her to the facility—
that may be her idea of the future (which I totally respect),
but it certainly isn't mine.
"Jane" by George Bilgere.
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|ramble, and a poem much more interesting than the ramble
Because I could whinge about money or work or health or anxiety or having things I want to do, creative things, that I don't seem to get to-
but that seems useless, worse than useless, and not fun-
so instead, I will repost the poem from the DW Poetry community from today, and count my self lucky that
there is poetry in the world, and tomorrow is another day, and I will be watching for the moment I didn't notice that i'd forgotten how wonderful it is to be alive, and then i'll remember that yes, I am alive, and there is poetry in the world with me, everywhere.
Because You Asked about the Line Between Prose and Poetry
Sparrows were feeding in a freezing drizzle
That while you watched turned to pieces of snow
Riding a gradient invisible
From silver aslant to random, white, and slow.
There came a moment that you couldn’t tell.
And then they clearly flew instead of fell.
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off to work in a few.
am lucky to have work i love doing, caring for people.
am unhappy to have no internet at the young lady's house.
am very cross that sore ankle/foot gets aggravated at the gentleman's on sunday pms, and takes until tuesday night to calm down. i need an MRI of that ankle, damnit, to see what's going on in there. thank god for ABM, or I'd be on crutches again now. as it is, ice, rest, and ABM seem to keep it under control. but this needs to stop. i *do not want* to be unable to function. it's boring, in the words of a great man.
see y'all on the flip side.
blessings on your heads.
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|Current TV, or what do slashfairies do when they can't sleep?
|sleep, storytelling, tv|
Doctor Who Confidential: sweeeeet. I haven't really caught up with Doctor Who from Eccleston on, but DWC is some sweeeeeet fun story telling.
A Person of Interest: I wanted to be interested, but I wasn't, quite. Not sure why. Might give it one more try.
Prime Suspect: US: Jane Timony kicks ass. I love you, Maria Bello.
Combat Hospital: Jumped in in the middle, ep 11 season 1, but I'm enjoying. Sad, innit, I'm enjoying a show about a hospital in the middle of a war zone.
Forbrydelsen: The Killing (Danish) Haven't gotten all the espisodes, but since it's subtitled I need to be awake to watch. But the cinematography's stunning.
Time Shift: Danish Noir & Italian Noir: brilliant. Haven't got to other eps of Time Shift [aside from Bill Nighy's Spy Stories which was interesting too) but these two eps were brilliant.
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1) anat baniel method training segment awesome. srsly, if you have back/neck/joint/shoulder/ankle/hip/general pain and soreness, this is amazing. not a cure-all, no, but definitely worth investigating on your own, and not on my say-so.
2) must win lottery. or at least a year's worth of income. tired of not being ahead a bit. sucks donkey balls that the state of the economy means that the agency i work for can cut our wages 10% and there's no recourse. 'well, it's the reimbursements from the government got cut, so we have to cut too.' oh, f! all y'all. you hurt my mind.
3) must get regular schedule of some kind. *ponders*
4) miss fandom/friends/posting/writing like hell. love being busy and keeping mind busy and so on, miss friends.
5) will go do abm lesson now, to ease bit stiff back, from lifting/repositioning the gentleman. notice: bit stiff, not *oh!Fuck!i can't do this anymore!*. minor miracle.
recs? pics? gifs? anything? xoxo
oh! and bookshop [link in front page of journals, all] still open.
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I swear the agency I work for is trying to kill me.
Yes, I had to go in and correct a couple time-sheets/nurses' notes [they're combined]. Fine, that's on me. But then not putting those corrected days on this paycheck? That's on them. >_<
Still working on getting the next $2500 for September segment Anat Baniel course.
At least I can spend the morning on hold with Unemployment Insurance, and talk to the credit union about what, if anything, they can do for me with my car loan. *sigh* I really really didn't want another loan, esp. on a car.
[yes. i know. my first-world problems, let me show you them. still feel stupid tho.]
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|Various and Sundry: BBC4, PBS, and Caroline Myss
BBC4 Worth Fighting For as is PBS here in the States.
Just sayin'. Don't let this global goofiness make us more stupid than we already let ourselves be.
Caroline Myss asks, Why is Addiction the Epidemic of Our Time?. If you don't think you're prey to or affected by addiction, give this a read. I'm interested in your responses.
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Chocolate doesn't happen often enough.
So the agency has cut our wages. No notice, no apology, no explanation [though it supposedly has to do with the cuts in reimbursement due to the budget, either state or federal, take your pick]. Just cut.
"Only" $1.20 an hour cut. Only.
Cruising Craigslist, other nursing agencies, LinkedIn, Indeed.com; revamping the résumé again; looking for part-time and short-hour work. I'm pretty sure I'll figure this out, but jeepers, it's discouraging right now.
AND the bookshop's still open, after all.
[At least the torn biceps from two years ago is healed, and the foot/ankle injury is, so far, still not recurring, though the ankle's weak and if it gets swollen it's enough to put me in bed for the day with the pain. Annoying, that. And I've still got my Anat Baniel DVDs to do lessons from, which helps everything get more flexible, more responsive, and stronger. So that's something. And there are still black berries on the bushes, and apples on the trees. So that's happy.]
Anyway. Wish me luck. And if you have a nurse in your life, give them a little extra hug or something, yeah? I'm lucky to have friends who care about me, and that I still love being an RN even with the nonsense going on these days.
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This is your Horoscope for the weekend:
You'll find the right solution at the right moment; you'll forget past upset and finally, after so much bitterness, you'll obtain personal satisfaction. This is a magical time where your relationship will consolidate, you'll be more spontaneous and will be able to clarify some situations.
I can live with this.
So. Haven't mentioned it, I don't think, but was rather abruptly taken off the lad's case. Slight dip in finances somewhat offset by a chance to visit with younger son and get a few things done, and sleep. Now on two cases new to me, who will henceforth be known as "the gentleman" and "the young lady".
Entirely unsure as to where money for next month's Anat Baniel session will come from. Possible I will have to take that one by DVD- costs the same, but I won't miss work for those 10 days, and might be able to work out a payment plan for that segment. Have to ask.
Did apply for Unemployment for the 10+ days I was available but the agency had no work for me. Might help.
And that's it, I think. Take care of yourselves.
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To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
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|from apophenic dreams tumblr
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
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This is your I Ching for Sunday, July 24th:
Now is not the moment for starting projects; consider how everything is changeable and prone to transformation. For the moment you must rely on what you have and make it suffice. Free yourself from the sense of possessions and expectations which poison life.
"Between shows" at work. Still employed by the agency, not working with the lad anymore. His parents' choice. Go in Monday to find out what other cases there are, and take some tests, find out about the new home ventilators, etc. etc.
Bit scary- but close a door and another opens, or some such, right?
The worst that can happen in this scenario [assuming the agency has more cases for me and they work out, and why not assume that for now?] is I have to drop out of Anat Baniel training this round, go back in 2013, and save/raise enough to cover the whole training plus pay down/off a lump of bills to make life less complicated. Don't like it, but I can do it.
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If I never read the words "the other man" instead of a character's name in a fanfic again it will be too soon. Just repeat the damn names. With the name, I see the person. With "the other man" I see the words the.other.man, and have to stop and think about it. Clunky.
This rant brought to you by a sleepless day and the loss of a night's wages at a time when I really can't afford to lose any money because I didn't sleep well. Fanfic rant not withstanding, no fanfic is implicated in today's lack of sleep.
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( Read more... )
Still have books selling- it's nice: I like to see them go to good homes. If you're homeschooling, or know someone who is, I've got a bunch of Usborne books, some classic children's books [Lois Lenski, for instance, and Madeline L'Engle], and others. Still planning to close up shop in September, unless there's a huge surge of interest [or I sell off most of it before then, which would be really fun].
Do me a favor? I'm still curious to know what you think of when you think *nurse*. What do nurses do? Where do they work? How does an RN's job differ from a Nurse's Aide's job? What do Public Health Nurses do? Do we even need nurses? Couldn't "Care Techs" and "Care Associates" do most of the work? If nothing comes to mind for *nurse* for you, why is that a blank spot?
Anyway. Nearly time to do my last chores: make his meals, do the rest of the supply stocking, and finish my nurse's notes.
If you're where it's horribly hot and humid, my very coolest wishes for you; if you're where it's rainy and cold, then my warmest and safest wishes for you.
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|Updatage: Work, life, LJ, etc. etc. etc.
|books, enjoyit, life, lj, money, nursing, plans, work|
It's five years since I first went to Europe. One letter from my godson, and it changed my life forever.
Work is work is work. I b'lieve I need to get off night shift. Working out a plan for just that.
Going to keep a running tally of what I do in the first hour and a half each night, since that's how long, whether in hospital or in home care, it takes to get things settled.( cut for details )
And that's the first 60-90 minutes. I like to have the noisy things and bustly things and things that will need to be in place in the morning DONE early so that he can sleep. And all the while I'm listening to his breathing, because he can't protect his airway well, and any little change is potentially important.
FL cut at LJ- people I see here, tumblr, facebook, or email, but not often at LJ anymore; fandoms I seem to have moved out of; comms I've stopped following. If you find I've cut you and you'd rather I didn't, or just want to be connected here, or something, drop me a note. I'm amenable.
With help from shegollum last night got my timelines for projects untangled, which helps. turns out i have 6 different things i'm working on, and only one is short-term, so that takes the pressure off [or at least moves it to a more reasonable place].
If there are books in the bookshop you've wanted, now's the time to either order, or ask me to hold them for you. It's been a wonderful wonderful thing to run, but between California's sales tax move, and things in general, I'm going to close it by 1st September. I thank everyone who's bought, promoted, donated, or encouraged in anyway- it helped me pay for Europe, for school, and paid for itself by nearly covering my storage costs for 5 years. pretty damn cool, hunh. Thanks again to apocalypsos without whose example i'd never have thought of selling my books and records on Amazon.
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From Tumblr. I apologize: I don't know how to make the Tumblr indentations show.
She Thinks Too Much [Such Girls Are Dangerous]: I am a girl in film school [Warning. "Irrational period rage."]
She Thinks Too Much [Such Girls Are Dangerous]: I am a girl in film school [Warning. “Irrational period rage.”]
I’m a film major, guys - I major in film.
Now, it might be a little unusual to hear that a particularly decent artist is going to school for film and not, y’know, art or even animation. A lot of my friends went to the Art Institute of Chicago, or MIAD, or AI - PX for 2D animation and illustration, and that’s cool. We all came from an art high school, so I get the career path—we’re artists, we know how to apply it and just need to master our trade, right?
I mean, needless to say, it was a pretty positive life choice to get into film while I could. I’m in classes where things aren’t so redundant, and I don’t have to sit and make my color wheel another 800 times for the sake of knowing where which color goes where. I get it. Color is infinite. I felt it would be a little ridiculous to have to go to art college and relearn the fundamentals. I didn’t really want to be an artist, in that sense, so I went into film.
I like it, to some extent. I just don’t like the fact that, y’know, “I want to kill every man in this room,” brainfunk likes to seep in. It’s hard being a girl in a “man’s industry”, as a lot of us will tell you. Film is probably the most sexist, racist, biased major in the world, and it’s like they don’t even know it.
So, on a day-to-day basis, I am not only struggling to keep myself from punching dudes out, but I am also struggling to get my voice heard. Apparently, we’re not all on the same frequency. I can’t geek over every vintage remake ever, so I’m not good enough.
Long story short, I seriously did not know what I was getting myself into. The fact that I am sometimes the only girl in the classroom, and that the men, even the instructors, have absolutely no consideration for what they say sometimes, or how offensive it can get, just really makes me wonder if this is really what it’s all about. My courses? They consist of molding our brains into thinking like people “in the industry” and mind, I am a Mexican-American. I don’t want to think like people “in the industry”, because as a screenwriter, I don’t want to have to default to a standard that portrays my people as thugs, murderers, rapists and everything else you can think of. I get called “being difficult” for objecting to that ideology. It’s offensive. It’s offensive because it’s supposed to be ‘okay’ and it really isn’t. To them, it’s about business… To me? It’s about integrity.
I like my integrity, guys.
Considering that half the people I communicate with in the school are POC, like myself, you can see how jacked up this is already. We did a 48-hour film festival this past quarter with an all-white cast + one African American playing Buddha with a love for strippers. Really? It’s not so much the casting as it is the implications in the context of the story that make it even worse. You would need to see it to really get the whole WTF factor, I’m sure.
Anyway, I’ve come to find that most of the intellectuals find themselves in the same humanities courses I’m in, and we all talk about how it isn’t about art anymore. There is no integrity in film—there is no respect for source material, except for on very rare occasion where the writer/director is funding his (and it’s usually a guy, unfortunately) own project… And for the life of me, there is absolutely no consideration for the types of roles being casted and who is portraying who.
SO… This is the part where I tell you the three (supposedly) superficial reasons that I went into film:
- I need to defeat James Cameron. He needs to go down.
- Slumdog Millionaire is a perfect example of what “artistic” means in film. I want to create more of this art form. I am an artist.
- I need to remake The Last Airbender, like crazy. There is no other “remake” in the world that I need to tackle more than this. You don’t even realize.
Yes, okay, if you’ve read this far, this is obviously my life story, TL;DR, stfu kid. I get it, I say that to people all the time… But seriously? There is something wrong with Hollywood, peepers, and it starts here. People wonder why I’m so angry in class, and it’s like… well why do you think? I just want to make something that isn’t completely typical, and have it not be categorized as an ‘Indie film’. You can have comprehensive narrative about a female Mexican American character, without it being culturally relevant and yet still have a solid gold storyline. You can make a movie about blue alien cats without the overdone ‘Pocahontas’ trope played on every line of dialogue for its 3-hour duration. You can adapt a cartoon without butchering the characters’ names or playing musical chairs with the cultural integrity of the source material. We’ll say this doesn’t even cover the amount of crap these films pull, but taste it, man. It’s STALE.
More than anything, I tell my classmates they CAN make something different. We don’t HAVE to conform—this is SCHOOL. What we learn here, what we create here, we can apply to our jobs later in life, and even that is marginally better than where we’re standing now
But y’know, I’m a girl in film school. In this world—this bubble, I should say—we’re not on the same frequency.
So help me, Tumblrpeeps. Reblog for us girl-type POC’s that are sick of sitting in class, listening to prejudice crap forever. Reblog for any film-type that doesn’t want to have to conform to that standard just so they can get a decent job. Reblog for any of it, or if nothing else, for Paramount—which needs to just let me take a crack at Airbender already, because I can’t possibly ruin it more than M. Night did.
Or, y’know, don’t reblog. (For your own reasons, or maybe just ‘cos I’ma crazy bitchho or whatever derogatory term people want to call me because of this.) /endrant
I think as a WoC in film, or in media in general, you learn pretty quickly that you’re going into an industry that -among other evils- marginalizes, erases, and stereotypes her people, and my people, and tons of others. It perpetuates sexism and racism and sizism and ableism and colorism and so many other points of inequality and -like Luck said- ultimately doesn’t see the harm in any of it, and often trivializes, or disregards, or seeks to assimilate those who do.
So let me say that I love this lady, I love what she has to say, and I think shaking up the status quo starts with people like her- people who refuse to abide by the status quo because there’s something systemically and intrinsically wrong with it.
This is institutional racism. This is the bullshit that cis-gender white males like me have to work to see. And I appreciate the fuck out of every time someone points this out to me. Why? Because I will be one crap-ass teacher if I don’t learn to see these things. I had an entire orientation-style class on this for my MA in Teaching. (May I here pause and recommend anyone who is teaching or wants to teach in an urban environment to consider the online MAT@USC program?) And then we focused on it in just about every class, even the learning-theories course, because it is always relevant to how well you can teach the students in the classroom. If you are “color-blind”, you’re actually just blind to the issues that PoC face.
Change your frame. Open your eyes. See the struggle. Be prepared to say something and support these students.
[my slashfairy addition: find a copy of http://www.amazon.com/Women-Ideas-What-Have-Done/dp/0044408323. This isn't made up. After 60 years, I can say for truth: it's not made up. We're still fighting for our rights. The right to be heard. The right to speak. The right to exist.]
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|Have a _______ Day | Lou Lipsitz | The Writer's Almanac July 5, 2011
|poetry post; kindness|
Have a ____ Day
by Lou Lipsitz
Have a nice day. Have a memorable day.
Have (however unlikely) a life-changing day.
Have a day of soaking rain and lightning.
Have a confused day thinking about fate.
Have a day of wholes.
Have a day of poorly marked,
unrecognizable wholes you
Have a ferocious day, a bleak
unbearable day. Have a
riotously unproductive day;
a grim jaw-clenched, Clint Eastwood vengeful
law enforcement day.
Have a day of raging, hair-yanking
jealousy and meanness. Have a day
of almost grasping
how whole you are; a finely tuned,
Have a nice day of walking and circling;
a day of stalking and hunting,
of planting strange seeds and wandering in the woods.
Have a day of endearing nonsense,
of hopelessly combing your hair,
a day of yielding, of swallowing
hard, breathing more deeply,
a day of fondness for beetles
and macabre spectacles, or irreverence
about anything you want, of just
sitting and wondering.
Have a day of wondering if it's
going to help, or if it just doesn't matter;
a day of dark winds
and torrents flowing though the valley,
of diving into cool water
and gasping for breath,
a day of sudden hunger for communion.
Have a day where the crusts you each
were given are lost and you stumble
with your fellows
searching endlessly together.
"Have a ____ Day" by Lou Lipsitz, from If This World Falls Apart. © Lynx House Press, 2011. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)
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|Rob Brezsny's FreeWill Astrology for Gemini this week.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Advertisements are often designed to make
you feel inadequate about the life you're actually living so you will be
motivated to "improve" your lot by buying what they're selling. In this
short horoscope, I don't have room to express how much soul sickness
this wreaks upon us all. Recently HBO unleashed an especially nefarious
attack. Promoting its new streaming service, it informed us that "The
story you could be watching is better than the one you're in."
Fortunately, Gemini, you won't be tempted to swallow that vicious
propaganda anytime in the coming weeks. Your personal story will be
profoundly more interesting and meaningful than the narratives that HBO
or any other entertainment source might offer. [emphasis mine]
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