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for being so absent over weekend.
it takes about 6 weeks to flip one's schedule from nights to days- couple that with these days i need to stay up until noon or get up at 2pm for appointments, and 'm not there yet. i keep thinking i'm just going to get it all organized, but ... not yet.
arm is better. sore as hell after work, but with rest it gets better. growing muscles, which is both happy-making and embarrassing- when did i lose them in the first place?
infected 'spider-bite' (which was probably not spider bite after all, no idea what started it) better also. have never had anything take this long to heal before.
paychecks are really nice things. of course i'd rather be independently comfortable, but since i'm not, it's a good feeling to earn my way.
*waves to everyone* hope you're more or less ok. or if not, that you have the support you need. blessings on your heads.
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Translated by Merryn Williams
If I die,
leave the balcony open.
The child is eating oranges.
(From my balcony I see him.)
The harvester scythes the wheat.
(From my balcony I hear him.)
If I die,
leave the balcony open!
thanks to ![[info - personal]](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png) pollyanna in ![[info - community]](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png) poetry
For no particular reason. Just enjoying life, tonight.
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Went to the Mill Valley Film Festival tonight.
There is so much to say, and there are so few words to say it with.
Director John Hillcoat was there and spoke briefly before the showing. What a lovely man. So respectful of Cormac McCarthy's story, and the way it came to him. Courteous to the actors in the way he spoke of them. Grateful for being able to work in this medium of film, of storytelling. Appreciative that MVVF found a way to have the film as part of its opening night films. Thankful that we were all there for a 9:40pm screening.
His voice, when he spoke about Kodi- genuine respect, genuine care, genuine love.
The film: I'll talk more about it after its gone into as wide a release as it's going to. This, I'll say: I have never seen a more honest love story between parent and child. I've never seen a better filmic telling of a written tale. I've never seen so grim and sad a background bring to life the small things and large which make us humane, make us human. I've not felt this kind of hope in years.
It's technically perfect, from what I can tell. The acting is - it's remarkable. Everything I knew about them from the book, is in the film. The directing, the editing, the cinematography, costuming, set design and decoration, location scouting- to the last detail, perfect.
I don't expect it to win awards. It's --- people are scared of this world, this post-something world where it's down to who you brought with you inside yourself from before, and who you let yourself become, after, and what you leave of yourself with others. It is frightening to look at- but for me, it's more frightening not to look.
I want to be one of the good guys. I want to die carrying the fire.
I'm so very, very glad I saw this movie. I'll never see anything in my life the same way again.
It will always, always look better now, than it did before this evening.
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(taking a cue from a friend here, with the + and the - and all)
(+) I have awesome friends, online and offline. AWESOME, awesome friends.
(+) my Presto plug-in water kettle has an automatic shut-off for when I get distracted and it boils dry. Thank you. Presto you have saved my kettle.
(+) because I like to stock up I have plenty of lovely teas and evaporated milk and good honey for said teas, and also Chai Maté.
(-) about two weeks ago now I injured my right shoulder at work. around 4 am after I did my checks and chores (in home care we do a lot of the care of the patient's environment, too- laundry, cleaning, etc.- and because I have AWESOME quietness skills I can do a lot while the lad is sleeping without waking him or his family) I sat down to chart and my right bicep felt very tight and sore, as though I'd been lifting 100lb sacks for an hour straight. I rested it for half an hour. The tightness and soreness abated. But at the end of my shift, when I have some amount of lifting to do, I found my right arm was weak.
what I SHOULD have done, in retrospect, is stop by work on the way home, report it as a work-place injury, and start worker's comp right away. Even though I was exhausted, it was going to be HOT, I needed to get to sleep, and starting the whole w/c thing takes HOURS. HOURS.
what I DID was go straight home, put ice on it, and try to get to sleep before my bedroom hit 95 degrees. And kept working. Compensating. Because, as smart as I am, as much as I would have advised anyone else to report it right away, I. Kept. Working. Because that's what nurses do. We compensate, and we keep working. We Do.Not.Stop. Oops.
So, not better by last week. went to see my doc, she wrote me off for a week, NO LIFTING so no modified duty. And in talking with her I realized I have to make the worker's comp claim. If my agency paid sick time, this wouldn't be such a big deal. If I'd saved more last year, not just enough to cover Europe but some cushion, too, it would not be such a big deal.
HOWEVER. I have started the process now. So at some point there will be some money. I've called my creditors (the few I have- student loans, etc.) and set up grace periods/deferments/lower payments/canceled accounts. I've got food and some money for fresh if I can't get it from gardens/freecycle, and enough gas in the car to get me to and from Physical Therapy. So it's ok for the next coupla weeks, and I'll know by then how it's going to play out, when I can work, and what W/C is going to come through with.
so (+) I have a job with W/C as a benefit. *whew*
(-) AND (+) EnjoyIt! is closed while I rehab. (-) because it would be a bit of income. But (+) because I can double check all my listings, see what's not selling and decide if I want to donate it instead, and work out (in my head) how I want to organize the books for easy shipping (which changes as they sell, as my stock gets smaller). So, that's good.
(+) I have this opportunity to live one-armed, mostly, for some time, so I am learning as much as I can about that limitation while I can't avoid it. I'm well aware it's not the same as a permanent change in my ability. But I'm hoping I can take the time I'd spend whining about not being able to have my own way all the time and use it to learn about myself, about this limitation, and about working with/through it, instead.
thus: (+) I have managed to get the old sheet off the bed, the new one on, and the laundry into the washer! (This is epic today, when it's usually zoop! zoop! with my magic wand, and all done.) I have soup, self-made with beans from one friend's garden (they dried on the vine, he was going to toss them out! oh no you don't! so I have shelled beans! one-handed! and made yummy soup) and fresh veg from another friend's and left-over rice from the housemates, and it is good. I have become adept at resetting my cellphone every 30 mins to remind me to take 5 mins for arm/shoulder exercises.
and I HAVE AWESOME FRIENDS. yes, I do. *nods* So, on the whole, the Early Autumn State of the Slashfairy is more + than -.
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Or it's Monday, innit?
Have done something to my neck, probably sitting badly at work every night because there's only an old banged up recliner for the nurse and sometimes I get lazy and just don't bother to get well situated, or get up and do exercises or anything. So am now (thank you, al) doing exercises to regain strength in my right shoulder. *sigh* prevention is so much better than repair. *lifts things*
Flipping through the channels looking for a good documentary or something, came across this description of The 6th Day (Ahnold Governator, back in the day): In the near future, a helicopter narrowly avoids an assasination attempt, then returns home to find he has been replaced by a clone who shares his memories; agents of hte cloning corporation target him...
Wait what? A helicopter's been cloned, and Ahnold plays the whirly-bird? Well hell, that explains California's finances, right? o.O
I don't miss the stress of uni, but I do miss having an excuse/reason/obligation to be outside in the sun, learning new things, getting some strides in, 2 or 3 times a week. Am hoping that with cooler weather and better sleeping I can work out a real schedule that includes studying for the IELTS just in case I can find work in the UK. I'm not really doing "RN level" work here now (according to custom and reimbursement by Medi-Cal), but my agency does give me difficult families who need an RN's understanding of family theory and case management, so I feel like I can at least TRY to find work in the UK. Just in case.
So, I'm just sayin'- I'm back in the study mode some. Funny how that works.
ETA another good site with shoulder exercises including v. short quicktime movies.
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two hours, and i can leave for home.
have errands between leaving for home and actually getting to bed, but no work tonight or tomorrow night.
was going to write about my frustrations with my schedule, sleep, etc. but why bother? night shift is my choice; renting a room from friends is my choice. in this economy, i'm grateful to have a job that's safe, steady, and satisfying.
so, will just look forward to weekend! who knows? i might get my fall vegie seeds in, some cleaning done- i might even write!
and y'all? weekend plans?
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| 2009-05-06 07:36 |
| State of the Slashfairy, three weeks and counting |
| Public |
| amazon, aoop, despair work, europe 2009, facebook, friends, life, peace-work, twitter, uni, wordpress |
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Yep, I'm graduating! have to pick up my cap&gown over at uni this week. If I remember I'll do it after work before my mammogram on Friday. *eyeroll* life of an older student.
EnjoyIt will go on vacation May 25th (last day I can ship) because I'm leaving for Europe May 26th! (London-Germany-Denmark-Germany-London) Home July 8th, back to work probably the 12th. Thank you every one who has bought or will buy, who has passed the word to friends and co-workers. It's been a real joy, becoming a book-seller, and it's made the difference between being able to pull off this trip nicely and have it be a grind and a worry.
Have started a WordPress Blog as a professional place to write; those of you who read along know that peace-work and despair-work are two lifetime interests/pursuits for me. My entire aim with pursuing my bachelors' has been to get the base for doing work in this area- yes, I know people do work in it without college degrees, but I want to change something in Nursing, open up a dialogue inside Nursing, so I thought I'd better get a bit more academic education in Nursing to give me some place to stand. It worked: I feel/AM better prepared to state my case. Now I'm making the place from which to speak. It's very satisfying.
Ok, I've a chance at an early bed this morning, and I'm going to take it. Blessings on your heads.
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New listings at EnjoyIt: more movies, CDs, books. I've turned up a number of things that are not in Amazon's inventory: out-of-print children's books, young adult books, and adult books of all kinds: reference, non-fiction, fiction; and CDs. I'm going to scan those and post them here, in hopes that there'll be something you've been looking AGES for and this will re-unite you. PLEASE, if you would, when you to to Amazon, go in through my store: I get referral bonuses when you do, if you buy something there. And please, if you would, buy something from me (if there's something you want) or pass the news of my little store on to friends. It all helps. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who's bought, advertised, or just said "yay!"
I think there're still anime/manga goodies at LoyalDreamer's place, so if you tend more that way, drop by and see what she's got.
Who knows? we might have those Mother's Day, Father's Day, Graduation... out-of-the-blue "Because I thought of you!" presents.
Otherwise, sleep has been at a real premium, for no single reason. I'm sure hoping to sleep today AND tonight, though. Yoga/stretching/physical therapy program continues apace: it must be working, because a) I notice when I'm sore (which is good) and the difference between that and achey (which is not so good).
FINALLY nearly finished with these two little papers for Critical Thinking. This is where sleep is so essential- I can work, I can chat, I can sell movies. But I can't write good papers without adequate sleep. *sigh* in two weeks I'll have the house to myself for two weeks. I'm hoping to have that time to finish these, get them to the prof, and do any changes he wants.
I know there've been some sad things happen this week in friends' and acquaintances lives. You are in my thoughts.
The rest of you, be well, have fun, and blessings on ALL your heads.
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I know I'm spamming with the Amazon links, so no more of those until I have fresh movies up there, and start putting books up. (My books are so old, and not pristine, but a lot of them are out of print, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be reading them anytime soon, so why not let them find new homes, if they can?)
But it's working, it's working- I've made some money at it, I've made some space, getting the movies to new homes, I'm supporting the economy (at least the Postal Service and the mailer-envelope people, and Longs, Walgreen's, and Raley's), and I'm feeling oddly accomplished about it all.
I'm also managing to do some yoga and stretching every night I work (though not always on my nights/days off, there's just not the space in my room). I take my yoga mat and block and strap and pillow and ice packs with me to work, and do what I can. And that's helping, too.
Sleep remains an issue. Mostly that's just night shift. And a bit of arthritis, now, and sometimes too much monkey-mind scampering over the synapses. Otoh, I'm eating more healthily- I know this for a fact, because I'm doing better keeping track of my expenses every day week or two- it's part of the Financial Intelligence track of Your Money or Your Life, and I like breaking it down into the exact things that I buy. It helps me see what habits I'm in, where I'm not paying attention, and where my life energy's leaking away from where I want it to be to somewhere else, somewhere that doesn't contribute to my over-all well-being.
I'm not able to visit as much on AIM or YIM as I'd like. I hit Facebook off and on, but can't really keep up with the green patch goodies and pirates vs. ninjas (sorry). I'm doing a bit of writing, here and there, but most of it's just scraps and doesn't make its way out of the notebooks. When I read, I'm reading Adrienne Rich and Ariel Dorfman and Ray Bradbury and Barbara Tuchman and Howard Zinn, but mostly I'm not even reading, these days. I'm nearly done with the two critical thinking papers (down to the freakin' wire, what?) and will be graduating in May, then off to Europe, and friends, and beloveds, and adventures.
It's ok. I feel, for the most part, accomplished, well cared for, intelligent, able to think for myself and ask for help with things I can't do by myself, and really. That's not bad. Can't complain about that. :)
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Important:
( Sanctity~Respect~Faith~Relationship: Prop 8, Fred Phelps )
( Sanity~Intelligence~Respect~Honesty: RaceFail 2009 )
( Not so important: Movie sales )
Random, kind of.
There are things I really like about working nights- it's steady, because not everyone can do it, stay awake and alert all night, and I can. It's quieter, and I really LIKE that I'm a soothing presence, that people feel SAFE sleeping when I'm there to take care of them, of their family.
But I gorram HATE how it fucks with my ability to run around and DO things. Like, last night, if I'd've had the time, money, and inclination, I could've gone to Good, at the Contra Costa International Jewish Film Festival. I love that festival, and I'd've really liked to see the film, and see Viggo, but there's no WAY I'd drive that far to and from and back to work on no sleep. I'd've barely made it to work on time, and that's barring car trouble, weather problems, accidents, and earthquakes. But to do all that driving and stuff and go to work on no sleep for 2 days... That's just not good. So, damnit, there it was, a movie I really want to see, and a guy I'd love to hear talk... And I had to work.
C'est la vie, eh?
Blessings on your heads, y'all.
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So, it's not like there's not writing in my head. There is, pages and pages of it. Little AU, other fic, poems. Health/nursing care stuff. Philosophy. Humor. Links dumps. Travel plans. Stuff I've been reading. SLEEP. (oh my god, I could talk about sleep forever, and isn't that just the way night shift is?) Family. WORK (although that's harder because of confidentiality).
I'm constrained by a lack of comfortable places to write (type, keyboard, scribble with a crayon) at the moment.
Anyway. At work, things getting busy, so must move along. Just wanted to drop in and say "hi".
Oh! and people to whom I've promised things: Your Money or Your Life; tea; fic; actual human contact- NUDGE me. When I'm really really tired things get lost in the shuffle, and then when I'm less tired I lose track of which shuffle I'm trying to sort to find the things I promised to do.
Reminders are good for the forgetful. :-)
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and so very little brain available for sorting the words to begin writing about anything.
mostly because it's such a relief to be (nearly) done with uni. i'm terrified of the student loan debt, but it'll be manageable- i just need to remember to breathe, and it'll work out. these last two papers are coming along, finally, thanks to help from friends (what WOULD we do without friends, i ask you?), and i expect to have them done well enough and in the mail to the professor by friday.
but i'm also rendered wordless (as i babble on) by such an intense love for being alive. i want - well, not to live forever, that'd be a lot of work, and lonely, after a while- but i want to live for a good nother 20 years or so, and i want it so MUCH- desire's dangerous, it's a hook dangling us over disappointment and failure, regret and depression- but oh, oh! i do love being alive, and living, and having a life to live in, and i just- i have to say so this once, early in the (christian, western, revised-several-times) calendar year.
anyway. /sentimentality- i'm tired, tonight, and that always makes the barrier between pleasure and weepiness very thin for me (if that's even what it's between... ah, rambling).
short list of what i'm up to:
catching up with the people i've let drift away (or drifted away from) over the last two years. you know who you are, and i swear i'm here, coming back to you.
keeping healthy/getting healthier (today's not-sleeping-well aside).
finishing these papers, and thus, uni.
earning/saving/appreciating money.
getting 'life-chore' things taken care of- car serviced, medical appointments made, storage pared down, fun had.
writing.
seeing family- younger son was here for christmas; older son and grandson came a few days ago, and we went to see Yes Man (fun, that); and am gathering up scraps of old favorite fabrics to send to my mother for the quilt she's making for my brother's new baby-to-be.
reading for pleasure, watching ken burns, taking care of my tiny winter garden (jeez, the frost didn't help last night, did it? lol! i know, i know, it's not snow. thank god- we've no sanding, no snowplows, no snow tires).
taking this marvelous education i've gotten, and the life experience i've had during the getting of said education, and creating an even deeper and more textured understanding of life.
so. that is all. i didn't participate in any holiday fic-things, nor have i really written any fic/the little au for a while, but there's wonderful things out there in the holiday fic-world, and the men are still around, talking quietly amongst themselves.
fandom brought me to lj, lj brought me to a new understanding of how big and how small this world is, and that's brought me all of you.
blessings on your heads, y'all.
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five more weeks of uni.
as much as i'm enjoying these classes- and i am, i really am- i'll be SO glad not to be obligated outside the house 7 days a week. i really really like being home.
that said, i'm getting itchy feet again. my spring is going to be devoted to getting my finances and my body in even better shape. i've been working and saving, and i'm proud of what i've accomplished, but now come my student loans to pay off and that's going to be a change. also, i've been eating MUCH better than i have in years and years (and i was eating pretty ok, the last 3-4 years) but it's time to get regular exercise, find out what's going on with this hip, and work on being fit and having decent stamina by my 60th birthday (god, am i going to be 60 in 2011? hand me that calendar, will you? *stares*).
i ALSO have a bunch of non-uni reading to do, a rather large storage of useful-but-no-longer-necessary-to-me things to go through and pass on (yes! freecycle.org) and a garden to get going on.
i ran into one of my favorite instructors from the nursing program today. it seems i will have the record of taking the longest- maybe second-longest -length of time to graduate from the RN-to-BSN program at my uni of any student in its history to date. she said today she REALLY wants me to invite her to my graduation. i've been on the fence about walking graduation, but something she said gives me the confidence to do it.
funny, how the right word from someone i respect and know cares about how i do can change everything.
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so sleepy today. two more nights of work for this week.
paper due tues on the border documentary as genre and as an expression of Chicano/Latino postmodernism, contrasting Chulas Fronteras (clips here and here) with El Mojado (The Wetback) (more information here ).
so.
will be either reading/taking notes, or sleeping, today, tomorrow, monday, and tues before class.
take care of yourselves.
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ok. 8 weeks- no, 7 weeks, i think, of uni left. *whew*
class let out early today, so had the hip x-rays done. should find out within a week what's next, and if they show what's hurting. added fish oil and chondroitin/glucosamine/msm (which i now recall helping me with my knees some long years ago) (and thanks to ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) stormatdusk who reminded me of them), so we'll see.
in the meantime, the same-old same-old- work, uni, trying to get enough sleep. which i'm gonna go try and do right now. xoxo until later.
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MIA a bit because of reading for uni, and fighting off a sinus infection with sleep, hydration, nutrition, and Zicam. damn viruses.
however. by my count, 8 weeks of uni left, and the two papers for Critical Thinking (which, it seems, will just need to wait until i have two well-rested, not-arrogant brain cells to rub together), and, all other things being equal, i'll be able to graduate.
and then it's just all about getting healthy, as best i can. even better nutrition. appropriate exercise, as much as i can fit in around work and sleep. saving money, to cut down worry over travel and getting older. writing! oh, writing, and beading, and gardening! and sewing! and reading for fun!
so i DO have a plan. but for today, it's probably to finish work, go home, rinse my sinuses, have a nice hot bath, rinse my sinuses again, take my meds, and curl up in bed with the laptop and my uni reading until i crash.
and if I wake up in time and feel rested enough, catch the late (8:20 pm) show of Appaloosa before work at the lad's house tonight.
and that's the news from here. how are all y'all?
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may not have 'net at the lad's house for a bit (that'd affect Weds nights/Thurs mornings, and Sun nights/Mon mornings). no way to know until i get there, but his family's having a spot of bother with the bills, so...
anyway. will do uni reading if no 'net there. always a bright side, eh? text if you need me, i'll have the cell.
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well, that's sad.
i have two things, longer posts, unfinished, that meant to be the 12th, but they're not up where y'all can see them so they don't really count. i meant to be working on them and get them up, but work and uni and sleeplessness and sleep kind of stole the time from me.
moving on, hello, there.
been enjoying all the good interviews and photos to come out of the Toronto Film Festival. Also, found that I can watch Man of La Mancha uninterrupted on FanCast, which is, to me, amazing.
have almost caught up on sleep from the days in San Francisco. not on studying, mind you, although i did get very much more clear in my mind what we know of the interwoven and parallel time-lines of different Native American populations around the continent and how those relate to the time-lines of British, French, Spanish and Russian colonization with which I was somewhat more familiar.
I spent a lot of time here, at the University of California's Traditions of the Sun site. this is one of the things that thrills me about the 'net- that all these bits and pieces of people's experience and knowledge and so forth are not only in one place, but where i can (even if it's only online, even if it's only in a little QuickTime movie) learn from them.
life's complicated, innit? how we're all someway or another interconnected, even if we don't know about it?
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5 hours broken once is not the same as 10 unbroken, but by God it works well enough to carry on with.
I would have made not such a good watch-standing sailor here in my middle-age. *sigh* *laugh*.
SO. off now to fee the household's cat, stop at the market and get greens and pita bread, buy gas, and head off to the lad's house. Have schoolbooks and study stuff packed and ready.
Catch you on the flipside.
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Native American Studies class is good, too. Interesting professor, lotta history of his own, plus engaging. *nods*
but what this all means now, is, not so much time in YIM or AIM (as if i spent much time there before, but yanno-), more time concentrating on the coursework -reading AND writing- and finishing up Critical Thinking. (I've figured out, I think, what i need to do with the paper I'm supposed to diagram and dissect for arguments. I will have to rewrite it by hand, sentence by sentence, to /feel/ where the writer was going with it. tedious, but then i will be done.)
so. Home. bag packed for work tonight. will take meds, take a bath, and in theory i have from now (just 4pm) until 10pm to sleep. we'll see. then bring the books and lappie to work tonight, and mostly read/take notes if possible (no table there, only two really oversized uncomfortable recliners, so note-taking not always do-able). come home in the am, garden while it's cool, and then go to bed. *nods*
and then we just see. good classes, though. glad i'm taking them. *kiss* g'night, all.
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